I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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