there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
