On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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