I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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