im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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