Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
