The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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