I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize