haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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