proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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