things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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