I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
