I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
