I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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