You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
