Im at strip club and am horny
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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