I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Your penis caused this!
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