I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
As shirtless as possible
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
