Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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