and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
