i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
