In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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