I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
