in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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