if you like me you must not know who I am
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
