I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
