So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
