new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
