Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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