I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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