I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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