i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
A+ Viking dick
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
