White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
