I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
