Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize