you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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