Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
