Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
