ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
