Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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