I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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