I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
