haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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