woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize