A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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