You're my little dorito
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
BRING THE BAGELS
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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