Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize