I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
