Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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