Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
