gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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