That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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