Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
