I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize