Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
