She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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