areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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