I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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