dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
