when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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