What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
