I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
