I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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