I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize