I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
