never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize