I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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