I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
