I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize