He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
