I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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