remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
