I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
