1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
