I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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