i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
