Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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