There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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