My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
